By Donald J Drumpf —
I have a pretty good idea whose woods these are, believe me.
And let me tell you something, my people say he’s a complete nobody.
This guy lives in the village. So what if he sees me stopping here?
I dare him to sue me! I dare him!
And by the way, this snow is pathetic.
These are by far, the least downy flakes ever!
I hear they had to import them from Canada.
I don’t know. Maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t. We’re looking into it.
My horse – he’s the most incredible horse, seriously,
I have the greatest, the classiest horses –
My horse doesn’t even know what the hell we’re doing here.
The horses love me though. They do.
They’re always shaking their bells at me, it’s very loving.
It’s a beautiful thing.
Let me tell you something, these woods are an embarrassment.
They’re not dark. They’re not deep. They’re nothing. They’re for losers.
And I cannot wait to sue this guy.
I cannot wait to sue this guy.
Please check out other fun pieces at the rottingpost.com. Here are direct links to a couple of them: http://bit.ly/1WrQLq6 http://bit.ly/1qRtlP9
Well, it’s that time of year again. Time to haul out the writing pad and let you know what happened to the Swenson family this past year.
I hope you look forward to getting our annual Holiday letters as much as I look forward to writing them. I had a hard time tracking everyone down this year because some of you rascals changed addresses without telling me.
Where does the time go? Seems like the paper cuts on my tongue have just healed from sending out last year’s letters.
As you all know by now, Uncle Seymour died this year. We figure it happened around noon on Friday ,though we didn’t find his body until Monday morning, after traffic on the 17th St. bridge died down some (whoops, bad choice of words).
Seems he got stuck in that nasty Friday afternoon rush hour and had a heart attack right there in the right lane. Nobody noticed he was dead ‘cause the old pickup just stopped and folks kept on merging around him.
He never did look too good, so folks thought he was in one of his funks again.
Bud was supposed to get a titanium hip replacement this year, but MSP said they’d only pay for one made out of sheet metal. He’s been a good sport about it, and the grand kids kinda like it, too, because they have so much fun sticking fridge magnets on his backside.
Our oldest boy, Bobby, gets out of jail soon. He promised to stop hacking into big business databases and sending out viruses. The FBI might even give him a job.
My sister’s family is doing well, though. Our precious nephew, Clarence, who turned 8 this year, has decided to stay in school and play fifth grade basketball instead of entering directly into the NBA draft. You can’t beat the value of a good education.
Her little one, Isabella, was elected president of her preschool. We weren’t too pleased with the attack ads she plastered in the entry way, especially that one alleging the Jenson boy had incurable diaper rash on his butt. But I guess that’s just toddler politics.
We ran into a wee bit of financial difficulty this year because of that man Mr. Steph. He sent us an e-mail promising to share his “many millions of dollars” if we’d just give him our bank account number. We never did hear from him again, but we’re all hoping he got out of Nigeria alive.
Anyway, it’s been a pretty good year despite the car getting totaled and that nasty fire in the living room. But my leg’s all healed up, so why not look on the bright side of things?
Well, that’s all for this year. Hope things are looking up for you, too.